i didn't have an official word chosen to define my 2010, but i should have. and looking back, it'd be hard to say which word would sum it up better: CHANGE or COURAGE. i think i have to go with
COURAGE. because, ultimately, the courage did lead to the change.
in late february 2010, i started toying with the idea of a career change. nothing drastic, of course - that would just be too crazy to even consider. at the time, i had been in my position as a district administrative assistant for almost exactly six and a half years. i was the longest tenured district admin in our region. i had mastered my role. i had trained my replacement. i was getting bored. don't get me wrong, i LOVED my job. just not everyday. i felt like my job had become somewhat of a "groundhog's day" - same thing, day after day, after day, after day... you get the point. but i was working monday through friday, 6:00am - 2:30pm most days. i could pretty much wear whatever i wanted to work as long we didn't have any visitors coming in that day. and not to toot my own horn too much, but i was good at what i did. REALLY good. it was hard to even consider leaving.
honestly, i never truly considered leaving the company. after all, i had been there almost 11 years at this point. i had grown up with this company. and if i am any one characteristic of a taurus more than any other, it is that i am loyal. just the thought of leaving and venturing out into a new company tied my stomach in knots. so what was i going to do? there wasn't really any opportunity for advancement in my current role. i did NOT want to move out of the san diego market. and i certainly didn't want to go back in to a store... the hours, the dress code, the customers, the holidays... no thank you!
and then it hit me. if i wanted to stay with this company, i HAD to go back in to a store. i was not going to last much longer as the district admin. i needed a challenge. i needed an opportunity to grow. dare i say, i needed a CHANGE?! and then everything started falling in place...
in early march, a job opportunity was posted for an operations supervisor in a brand new retail store. this was my chance to get out of the office. i had an extensive operations background, this was perfect for me. so why did it make me sick just thinking about applying for it? i had become so comfortable in my little administrative world that anything else just sounded daunting. and just like that, i dismissed it and threw out the idea of applying.
two weeks later, the same job was re-posted. the general manager had not found the right fit for the position in her first round of applicants. so there it was. staring me in the face. again. this time, i consulted with my massive network of co-workers-turned-friends, my boss man, my friends, and my family. every single one of them told me to go for it. my next step was talking to the general manager. if i had her support to apply, i would. and i did. when i told her i was just terribly afraid of failing, she said "i will not let you fail." it was then that i knew i was going to apply.
my official start date was april 4th.
and before i go on, i have to tell you, saying good-bye to my district admin position was one of the hardest and most emotional things i have ever done. i really did LOVE that job. so much. but it was time for me to move on.
so... a new job. a new boss. a new environment. a new work schedule. a new (again) dress code. i was heading back in to the retail store. ugh.
over the next few months, i thought about that decision i made every single day...
did i do the right thing?
was this really the best choice for me?
am i going to make it?
will this feeling of regret ever go away?
i felt like i was scraping by at work. treading ferociously, but just barely keeping my head above water. i really enjoyed being back around people, but that was about all i enjoyed. i was not happy in my new role. in fact, i was less happy back in the store then i had been in my groundhog's-day-like-admin-job. i needed to be inspired. i needed peace. i needed hope that things would get better. and that is exactly what i found.
i think it was sometime in early july, maybe even earlier than that, i stumbled on a
blog that changed my life. i honestly have no idea what series of clicks through my regular blog reads led me to her, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. there it was. the sign i needed that things would get better.
i printed that out and taped it to my bedroom door so i could read it every morning on my way out, and every night on my way to bed. i made it the background image on my computer for inspiration throughout the day. heck, i even memorized it so i could recite it out loud in my car on the way to and from work. those words became part of me.
over the course of the next few weeks, i found myself head over heels with the wonderful, inspiring, beautiful blogs i was digging into:
boho girl!
ordinary courage!
choosing beauty!
kind over matter!
tiny buddha!
kelly rae roberts!
walk slowly, live wildly!
whitehot truth! and though i'm certain it wasn't, looking back, it seems like it was almost overnight that my thoughts of adventure in a journey of personal growth began blossoming.
on august 31st, i wrote this e-mail to my
soul sister:
i really feel like this journey that i have been taking over the past couple months is going to lead me to portland. i will be the first to say that i always SAY i am going to do something and never do. but never in my LIFE, have i ever felt such an overwhelming pull towards somewhere i have never been. this may sound incredibly cheesy, but i really feel like the universe is pulling me there. no joke, EVERY DAY something else pops up that i take as a "sign". maybe it's all coincidence. maybe not. but, really, what do i have to lose?
it was a few days later that i decided it was time to start taking those baby steps towards another change. for many, many years i had been drawn to the music/art/homemade scene in portland, oregon. and after my adventures into the blogging world, i discovered there was much more of portland to love than i knew of before. i needed to go. i needed to see if i felt as happy there as i thought i would. so i did.
i made plans to visit molly in medford and take a short road-trip to portland to check things out. prior to my visit, i had sent an e-mail to the district staff in the portland metro area, just to plant the seed that i was looking for a change and should they have any openings for an operations supervisor or district admin, to please reach out to me. much to my surprise, i received multiple e-mails and phone calls back within just two days. everything was happening so fast! the district human resources manager wanted to meet with me when i came in on my mini visit. everything seemed very promising. the way it was all falling into place was almost too good to be true.
i spent less than 30 hours in portland in mid-october. and i knew it was where i needed to be. and it scared me out of my mind. moving?! to another state?! by MYSELF?! there was no way i could do that. HOW could i do that?!
a week passed. i interviewed over the phone for an operations supervisor in a store just south of portland. and a week later, i was job offered to start the week before thanksgiving. so not only would i have to survive transferring to a new store in a new district, i would have to survive starting there the week before black friday?! hahaha! this was going to be exciting.
i'll skip over all of the not-so-fun details about how i managed to make the move financially (thank the heavens above for dear friends and family), research and find a new apartment all through the glorious interweb, dealt with a third-party moving company to load, haul and unload all of my belongings, and say good-bye to all of my friends, family and co-workers-turned-friends. those two weeks were the most emotional weeks of my adult life. and i can proudly say, it was the strongest i had ever been... to that point.
on november 8th, with my moma in the passenger seat next to me, i drove away from everything that was familiar to me. my entire existence, i had lived in a 50ish-mile radius of san diego. and it was all in the rear view mirror. i became a resident of portland on november 10th. and november 11th, i waved good-bye to my moma as i dropped her off at the airport to head back to san diego. i cried the entire way home. i was just overwhelmed with emotion. as i drove away, it hit me that i was ALONE. i had NO ONE here. but this was what i signed up for. i wanted a personal growth opportunity. and i wanted to push myself outside of any sort of comfort zone i created.
i got settled in to my new apartment fairly quickly, within days of my belongings arriving. i had to. i had to feel like i was "home". i had to have the comfort of familiar things around me. i quickly learned that though i may be working for the same company, the retail locations outside of the southern california market are run quite differently. i almost feel like i stepped back ten years on the company's timeline. but that's another story for another day.
i survived my first black friday back in a store after seven years. i survived the retail holiday hours and last-minute rush of customers. and i made a best friend at work, two of them actually. (one of whom took me in for her family's thanksgiving and christmas celebrations, so i would not be alone... so sweet!)
so that's my 2010. i asked for an adventure. and i got one. if anyone had told me at the beginning of 2010 that i would be going back in to a store within six months, i would have laughed in their face. or if they had told me i would be leaving all of my friends and family behind to move to another state by the end of the year, i would have recommended they get their head checked. it's funny how life plays out when courage gets in the way.
