i am SO ready to be back home. where my heart won't feel so empty.
i absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE living here in portland. i love this city. i love (most of) the people (besides that bastards that stole my purse). and yes, i still LOVE the rain. this is a beautiful place to be. in fact, one day, i may end up here again. but right now, my heart needs to be where my family is. the bottom line is, loving the city i live in is just not worth the price of being away from my family and lifetime friends.
when i made this move, i honestly did not expect it to be this hard to be so far away from my loved ones. and believe me, i did not come up here with ANY intention of only staying five months. i came up here solely for adventure and a personal growth opportunity, and that's excatly what i got. i have learned more about myself in the past five months than i have in five years. i have more confidence today - both personally and professionally - than i have ever had. and that is a fabulous feeling.
i wouldn't change my experience here in oregon for anything. it has opened my eyes, my heart, and my soul to many new discoveries. it just wouldn't be fair to my department or my store for me to stay here and ride out these feelings, hoping things will get better, when my heart isn't in it. i definitely feel like i am leaving something good behind at the square, and i am insanely proud of that.
unfortunately, i do not have a position waiting for me back in san diego. my fingers are crossed i find something over the next couple weeks, but this journey may mean the end of my career with the blue box. and though it breaks my heart to say it, it may be time.
i am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". so i will hold my head high with hope in my heart and my fingers crossed.
3.20.2011
so it goes
it's been four months and ten days.
today is the first day of spring.
a beautiful time for growth.
it's been an interesting month and a half, to say the least. a LOT has happened. and if i'm being honest, it certainly hasn't been the highlight of my time here in portland. but the time has had quite a significant impact on recent decisions and i wouldn't have it any other way.
january 24th - moma arrived in portland for her first visit. i hadn't seen her in two months and thirteen days. it was the longest we had been apart since she had moved back to san diego from georgia. we had so much planned for her visit...
a fabulous photo walk through hawthorne...
and our first visit to san diego taco company.
january 26th - i had been dealing with some pretty intense stomach issues off-and-on for months, but when the pain woke me out of my sleep this time, i knew something wasn't right. i thank my lucky stars every day that moma was here to take me to the emergency room. it was there that i received the best medical care i had ever received. a physical exam led to an ultrasound which led to the discovery of large gall stones that were causing my pain. i was just relieved to have answers.
note: i have zero regrets about stuffing my face with that san diego taco company california burrito. so what if it caused me to have a gall bladder attack? it was the best burrito i have ever eaten. and, joking aside, it led to answers about my health that i'd had for months.
january 27th - moma flew back home to san diego.
february 5th - i was sent home from work after less than two hours because my stomach pain had become almost intolerable without pain meds (which i refused to take while i was working). i would not work again for 18 days.
february 9th - "nurse moma" arrived back in portland to care for me post-surgery. did i already mention that i thank my lucky stars for her every day?
february 10th - admitted to the local hospital for a scheduled cholecystectomy (aka gall bladder removal), again receiving absolutely world-class medical care from beginning to end. trust me, i can say that. i have 30 years of experience in and out of hospitals and medical facilities, more than most "healthy" folks my age can imagine.
february 13th - moma flew back home to san diego.
february 16th - less than a week after surgery, i flew down to san diego for some much needed hometown healing and to see two of my dear friends tie the knot. it was an absolutely beautiful six days.
spent a whole day with my favorite four-year-old and her momma.
a time for reflection. at swamis on my last night in san diego.
february 22nd - i returned to portland with a very full and heavy heart. this was really the beginning of the end.
february 23rd - my first day back at work. "light duty" for four days.
february 24th - woke up to my first snowy morning. real snow. like, i had to drive to work in it. and i survived!
march 2nd - three of my favorite girls arrive in portland for a long weekend of good eats and adventure! and maybe we got a little more adventure than we had planned for.
wahkeena falls.
portland rose gardens.
it was there the "it won't happen to me" happened. while we were frolicking through the rose gardens, taking pictures of each other and the beauty around us, molly's car window was busted and three of our purses were stolen. and the rest of the afternoon was spent dealing with police reports, filing claims, trips to the bank, getting the car window repaired, and a LOT of time on the phone. day two of vacation wasted because we made a silly decision to leave our purses in the car. lesson learned.
the weekend brought happier times in medford...
...for molly's baby shower!
...and maggie's third birthday party!
march 8th - back to reality. friends are back home. i get back to work full-time. and the thought process really starts moving.
march 10th - my sister turned 22, and 22 years later i still wish things were different between us.
march 11th - after news the night before of the earthquake and tsunami in japan, word arrived that my buddy drew and his family are safe.
march 13th - a final decision is made. i'm going home. and not just for another visit. for good.
march 14th - the process of becoming a minimalist begins.
march 18th - i gave notice to my current managers. and i turned in my 30-day notice on my apartment. this is when it really sets in.
i'm going home.
today is the first day of spring.
a beautiful time for growth.
it's been an interesting month and a half, to say the least. a LOT has happened. and if i'm being honest, it certainly hasn't been the highlight of my time here in portland. but the time has had quite a significant impact on recent decisions and i wouldn't have it any other way.
january 24th - moma arrived in portland for her first visit. i hadn't seen her in two months and thirteen days. it was the longest we had been apart since she had moved back to san diego from georgia. we had so much planned for her visit...
a fabulous photo walk through hawthorne...
and our first visit to san diego taco company.
january 26th - i had been dealing with some pretty intense stomach issues off-and-on for months, but when the pain woke me out of my sleep this time, i knew something wasn't right. i thank my lucky stars every day that moma was here to take me to the emergency room. it was there that i received the best medical care i had ever received. a physical exam led to an ultrasound which led to the discovery of large gall stones that were causing my pain. i was just relieved to have answers.
note: i have zero regrets about stuffing my face with that san diego taco company california burrito. so what if it caused me to have a gall bladder attack? it was the best burrito i have ever eaten. and, joking aside, it led to answers about my health that i'd had for months.
january 27th - moma flew back home to san diego.
february 5th - i was sent home from work after less than two hours because my stomach pain had become almost intolerable without pain meds (which i refused to take while i was working). i would not work again for 18 days.
february 9th - "nurse moma" arrived back in portland to care for me post-surgery. did i already mention that i thank my lucky stars for her every day?
february 10th - admitted to the local hospital for a scheduled cholecystectomy (aka gall bladder removal), again receiving absolutely world-class medical care from beginning to end. trust me, i can say that. i have 30 years of experience in and out of hospitals and medical facilities, more than most "healthy" folks my age can imagine.
february 13th - moma flew back home to san diego.
february 16th - less than a week after surgery, i flew down to san diego for some much needed hometown healing and to see two of my dear friends tie the knot. it was an absolutely beautiful six days.
spent a whole day with my favorite four-year-old and her momma.
a time for reflection. at swamis on my last night in san diego.
february 22nd - i returned to portland with a very full and heavy heart. this was really the beginning of the end.
february 23rd - my first day back at work. "light duty" for four days.
february 24th - woke up to my first snowy morning. real snow. like, i had to drive to work in it. and i survived!
march 2nd - three of my favorite girls arrive in portland for a long weekend of good eats and adventure! and maybe we got a little more adventure than we had planned for.
wahkeena falls.
portland rose gardens.
it was there the "it won't happen to me" happened. while we were frolicking through the rose gardens, taking pictures of each other and the beauty around us, molly's car window was busted and three of our purses were stolen. and the rest of the afternoon was spent dealing with police reports, filing claims, trips to the bank, getting the car window repaired, and a LOT of time on the phone. day two of vacation wasted because we made a silly decision to leave our purses in the car. lesson learned.
the weekend brought happier times in medford...
...for molly's baby shower!
...and maggie's third birthday party!
march 8th - back to reality. friends are back home. i get back to work full-time. and the thought process really starts moving.
march 10th - my sister turned 22, and 22 years later i still wish things were different between us.
march 11th - after news the night before of the earthquake and tsunami in japan, word arrived that my buddy drew and his family are safe.
march 13th - a final decision is made. i'm going home. and not just for another visit. for good.
march 14th - the process of becoming a minimalist begins.
march 18th - i gave notice to my current managers. and i turned in my 30-day notice on my apartment. this is when it really sets in.
i'm going home.
1.23.2011
blossom
january 23rd already. i have been a resident of portland, oregon for two months and thirteen days. i am having a really hard time wrapping my head around that. i feel like i have been here for at least double that time. and at the same time, how the hell did it get to be the 23rd of january already?!? the time is just flying by!
i didn't really make any real solid "resolutions" this year, but i did set a couple goals for myself for the first couple months of the year:
so there it is. my word for 2011. BLOSSOM. my word for 2010 didn't really come to me until the end of the year, but i know for certain my word for 2011 is the right one. two months and thirteen days in, and i know i want to be here for a good while. i'm ready to unfold. to flourish. to thrive. to blossom.
i didn't really make any real solid "resolutions" this year, but i did set a couple goals for myself for the first couple months of the year:
* get out to a show... or two... or three! DONE!
* make new friends outside of work! working on it...
* blossom! gettin' there...
so there it is. my word for 2011. BLOSSOM. my word for 2010 didn't really come to me until the end of the year, but i know for certain my word for 2011 is the right one. two months and thirteen days in, and i know i want to be here for a good while. i'm ready to unfold. to flourish. to thrive. to blossom.
1.18.2011
courage
i didn't have an official word chosen to define my 2010, but i should have. and looking back, it'd be hard to say which word would sum it up better: CHANGE or COURAGE. i think i have to go with COURAGE. because, ultimately, the courage did lead to the change.
in late february 2010, i started toying with the idea of a career change. nothing drastic, of course - that would just be too crazy to even consider. at the time, i had been in my position as a district administrative assistant for almost exactly six and a half years. i was the longest tenured district admin in our region. i had mastered my role. i had trained my replacement. i was getting bored. don't get me wrong, i LOVED my job. just not everyday. i felt like my job had become somewhat of a "groundhog's day" - same thing, day after day, after day, after day... you get the point. but i was working monday through friday, 6:00am - 2:30pm most days. i could pretty much wear whatever i wanted to work as long we didn't have any visitors coming in that day. and not to toot my own horn too much, but i was good at what i did. REALLY good. it was hard to even consider leaving.
honestly, i never truly considered leaving the company. after all, i had been there almost 11 years at this point. i had grown up with this company. and if i am any one characteristic of a taurus more than any other, it is that i am loyal. just the thought of leaving and venturing out into a new company tied my stomach in knots. so what was i going to do? there wasn't really any opportunity for advancement in my current role. i did NOT want to move out of the san diego market. and i certainly didn't want to go back in to a store... the hours, the dress code, the customers, the holidays... no thank you!
and then it hit me. if i wanted to stay with this company, i HAD to go back in to a store. i was not going to last much longer as the district admin. i needed a challenge. i needed an opportunity to grow. dare i say, i needed a CHANGE?! and then everything started falling in place...
in early march, a job opportunity was posted for an operations supervisor in a brand new retail store. this was my chance to get out of the office. i had an extensive operations background, this was perfect for me. so why did it make me sick just thinking about applying for it? i had become so comfortable in my little administrative world that anything else just sounded daunting. and just like that, i dismissed it and threw out the idea of applying.
two weeks later, the same job was re-posted. the general manager had not found the right fit for the position in her first round of applicants. so there it was. staring me in the face. again. this time, i consulted with my massive network of co-workers-turned-friends, my boss man, my friends, and my family. every single one of them told me to go for it. my next step was talking to the general manager. if i had her support to apply, i would. and i did. when i told her i was just terribly afraid of failing, she said "i will not let you fail." it was then that i knew i was going to apply.
my official start date was april 4th.
and before i go on, i have to tell you, saying good-bye to my district admin position was one of the hardest and most emotional things i have ever done. i really did LOVE that job. so much. but it was time for me to move on.
so... a new job. a new boss. a new environment. a new work schedule. a new (again) dress code. i was heading back in to the retail store. ugh.
over the next few months, i thought about that decision i made every single day...
did i do the right thing?
was this really the best choice for me?
am i going to make it?
will this feeling of regret ever go away?
i felt like i was scraping by at work. treading ferociously, but just barely keeping my head above water. i really enjoyed being back around people, but that was about all i enjoyed. i was not happy in my new role. in fact, i was less happy back in the store then i had been in my groundhog's-day-like-admin-job. i needed to be inspired. i needed peace. i needed hope that things would get better. and that is exactly what i found.
i think it was sometime in early july, maybe even earlier than that, i stumbled on a blog that changed my life. i honestly have no idea what series of clicks through my regular blog reads led me to her, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. there it was. the sign i needed that things would get better.
i printed that out and taped it to my bedroom door so i could read it every morning on my way out, and every night on my way to bed. i made it the background image on my computer for inspiration throughout the day. heck, i even memorized it so i could recite it out loud in my car on the way to and from work. those words became part of me.
over the course of the next few weeks, i found myself head over heels with the wonderful, inspiring, beautiful blogs i was digging into: boho girl! ordinary courage! choosing beauty! kind over matter! tiny buddha! kelly rae roberts! walk slowly, live wildly! whitehot truth! and though i'm certain it wasn't, looking back, it seems like it was almost overnight that my thoughts of adventure in a journey of personal growth began blossoming.
on august 31st, i wrote this e-mail to my soul sister:
it was a few days later that i decided it was time to start taking those baby steps towards another change. for many, many years i had been drawn to the music/art/homemade scene in portland, oregon. and after my adventures into the blogging world, i discovered there was much more of portland to love than i knew of before. i needed to go. i needed to see if i felt as happy there as i thought i would. so i did.
i made plans to visit molly in medford and take a short road-trip to portland to check things out. prior to my visit, i had sent an e-mail to the district staff in the portland metro area, just to plant the seed that i was looking for a change and should they have any openings for an operations supervisor or district admin, to please reach out to me. much to my surprise, i received multiple e-mails and phone calls back within just two days. everything was happening so fast! the district human resources manager wanted to meet with me when i came in on my mini visit. everything seemed very promising. the way it was all falling into place was almost too good to be true.
i spent less than 30 hours in portland in mid-october. and i knew it was where i needed to be. and it scared me out of my mind. moving?! to another state?! by MYSELF?! there was no way i could do that. HOW could i do that?!
a week passed. i interviewed over the phone for an operations supervisor in a store just south of portland. and a week later, i was job offered to start the week before thanksgiving. so not only would i have to survive transferring to a new store in a new district, i would have to survive starting there the week before black friday?! hahaha! this was going to be exciting.
i'll skip over all of the not-so-fun details about how i managed to make the move financially (thank the heavens above for dear friends and family), research and find a new apartment all through the glorious interweb, dealt with a third-party moving company to load, haul and unload all of my belongings, and say good-bye to all of my friends, family and co-workers-turned-friends. those two weeks were the most emotional weeks of my adult life. and i can proudly say, it was the strongest i had ever been... to that point.
on november 8th, with my moma in the passenger seat next to me, i drove away from everything that was familiar to me. my entire existence, i had lived in a 50ish-mile radius of san diego. and it was all in the rear view mirror. i became a resident of portland on november 10th. and november 11th, i waved good-bye to my moma as i dropped her off at the airport to head back to san diego. i cried the entire way home. i was just overwhelmed with emotion. as i drove away, it hit me that i was ALONE. i had NO ONE here. but this was what i signed up for. i wanted a personal growth opportunity. and i wanted to push myself outside of any sort of comfort zone i created.
i got settled in to my new apartment fairly quickly, within days of my belongings arriving. i had to. i had to feel like i was "home". i had to have the comfort of familiar things around me. i quickly learned that though i may be working for the same company, the retail locations outside of the southern california market are run quite differently. i almost feel like i stepped back ten years on the company's timeline. but that's another story for another day.
i survived my first black friday back in a store after seven years. i survived the retail holiday hours and last-minute rush of customers. and i made a best friend at work, two of them actually. (one of whom took me in for her family's thanksgiving and christmas celebrations, so i would not be alone... so sweet!)
so that's my 2010. i asked for an adventure. and i got one. if anyone had told me at the beginning of 2010 that i would be going back in to a store within six months, i would have laughed in their face. or if they had told me i would be leaving all of my friends and family behind to move to another state by the end of the year, i would have recommended they get their head checked. it's funny how life plays out when courage gets in the way.
in late february 2010, i started toying with the idea of a career change. nothing drastic, of course - that would just be too crazy to even consider. at the time, i had been in my position as a district administrative assistant for almost exactly six and a half years. i was the longest tenured district admin in our region. i had mastered my role. i had trained my replacement. i was getting bored. don't get me wrong, i LOVED my job. just not everyday. i felt like my job had become somewhat of a "groundhog's day" - same thing, day after day, after day, after day... you get the point. but i was working monday through friday, 6:00am - 2:30pm most days. i could pretty much wear whatever i wanted to work as long we didn't have any visitors coming in that day. and not to toot my own horn too much, but i was good at what i did. REALLY good. it was hard to even consider leaving.
honestly, i never truly considered leaving the company. after all, i had been there almost 11 years at this point. i had grown up with this company. and if i am any one characteristic of a taurus more than any other, it is that i am loyal. just the thought of leaving and venturing out into a new company tied my stomach in knots. so what was i going to do? there wasn't really any opportunity for advancement in my current role. i did NOT want to move out of the san diego market. and i certainly didn't want to go back in to a store... the hours, the dress code, the customers, the holidays... no thank you!
and then it hit me. if i wanted to stay with this company, i HAD to go back in to a store. i was not going to last much longer as the district admin. i needed a challenge. i needed an opportunity to grow. dare i say, i needed a CHANGE?! and then everything started falling in place...
in early march, a job opportunity was posted for an operations supervisor in a brand new retail store. this was my chance to get out of the office. i had an extensive operations background, this was perfect for me. so why did it make me sick just thinking about applying for it? i had become so comfortable in my little administrative world that anything else just sounded daunting. and just like that, i dismissed it and threw out the idea of applying.
two weeks later, the same job was re-posted. the general manager had not found the right fit for the position in her first round of applicants. so there it was. staring me in the face. again. this time, i consulted with my massive network of co-workers-turned-friends, my boss man, my friends, and my family. every single one of them told me to go for it. my next step was talking to the general manager. if i had her support to apply, i would. and i did. when i told her i was just terribly afraid of failing, she said "i will not let you fail." it was then that i knew i was going to apply.
my official start date was april 4th.
and before i go on, i have to tell you, saying good-bye to my district admin position was one of the hardest and most emotional things i have ever done. i really did LOVE that job. so much. but it was time for me to move on.
so... a new job. a new boss. a new environment. a new work schedule. a new (again) dress code. i was heading back in to the retail store. ugh.
over the next few months, i thought about that decision i made every single day...
did i do the right thing?
was this really the best choice for me?
am i going to make it?
will this feeling of regret ever go away?
i felt like i was scraping by at work. treading ferociously, but just barely keeping my head above water. i really enjoyed being back around people, but that was about all i enjoyed. i was not happy in my new role. in fact, i was less happy back in the store then i had been in my groundhog's-day-like-admin-job. i needed to be inspired. i needed peace. i needed hope that things would get better. and that is exactly what i found.
i think it was sometime in early july, maybe even earlier than that, i stumbled on a blog that changed my life. i honestly have no idea what series of clicks through my regular blog reads led me to her, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. there it was. the sign i needed that things would get better.
i printed that out and taped it to my bedroom door so i could read it every morning on my way out, and every night on my way to bed. i made it the background image on my computer for inspiration throughout the day. heck, i even memorized it so i could recite it out loud in my car on the way to and from work. those words became part of me.
over the course of the next few weeks, i found myself head over heels with the wonderful, inspiring, beautiful blogs i was digging into: boho girl! ordinary courage! choosing beauty! kind over matter! tiny buddha! kelly rae roberts! walk slowly, live wildly! whitehot truth! and though i'm certain it wasn't, looking back, it seems like it was almost overnight that my thoughts of adventure in a journey of personal growth began blossoming.
on august 31st, i wrote this e-mail to my soul sister:
i really feel like this journey that i have been taking over the past couple months is going to lead me to portland. i will be the first to say that i always SAY i am going to do something and never do. but never in my LIFE, have i ever felt such an overwhelming pull towards somewhere i have never been. this may sound incredibly cheesy, but i really feel like the universe is pulling me there. no joke, EVERY DAY something else pops up that i take as a "sign". maybe it's all coincidence. maybe not. but, really, what do i have to lose?
it was a few days later that i decided it was time to start taking those baby steps towards another change. for many, many years i had been drawn to the music/art/homemade scene in portland, oregon. and after my adventures into the blogging world, i discovered there was much more of portland to love than i knew of before. i needed to go. i needed to see if i felt as happy there as i thought i would. so i did.
i made plans to visit molly in medford and take a short road-trip to portland to check things out. prior to my visit, i had sent an e-mail to the district staff in the portland metro area, just to plant the seed that i was looking for a change and should they have any openings for an operations supervisor or district admin, to please reach out to me. much to my surprise, i received multiple e-mails and phone calls back within just two days. everything was happening so fast! the district human resources manager wanted to meet with me when i came in on my mini visit. everything seemed very promising. the way it was all falling into place was almost too good to be true.
i spent less than 30 hours in portland in mid-october. and i knew it was where i needed to be. and it scared me out of my mind. moving?! to another state?! by MYSELF?! there was no way i could do that. HOW could i do that?!
a week passed. i interviewed over the phone for an operations supervisor in a store just south of portland. and a week later, i was job offered to start the week before thanksgiving. so not only would i have to survive transferring to a new store in a new district, i would have to survive starting there the week before black friday?! hahaha! this was going to be exciting.
i'll skip over all of the not-so-fun details about how i managed to make the move financially (thank the heavens above for dear friends and family), research and find a new apartment all through the glorious interweb, dealt with a third-party moving company to load, haul and unload all of my belongings, and say good-bye to all of my friends, family and co-workers-turned-friends. those two weeks were the most emotional weeks of my adult life. and i can proudly say, it was the strongest i had ever been... to that point.
on november 8th, with my moma in the passenger seat next to me, i drove away from everything that was familiar to me. my entire existence, i had lived in a 50ish-mile radius of san diego. and it was all in the rear view mirror. i became a resident of portland on november 10th. and november 11th, i waved good-bye to my moma as i dropped her off at the airport to head back to san diego. i cried the entire way home. i was just overwhelmed with emotion. as i drove away, it hit me that i was ALONE. i had NO ONE here. but this was what i signed up for. i wanted a personal growth opportunity. and i wanted to push myself outside of any sort of comfort zone i created.
i got settled in to my new apartment fairly quickly, within days of my belongings arriving. i had to. i had to feel like i was "home". i had to have the comfort of familiar things around me. i quickly learned that though i may be working for the same company, the retail locations outside of the southern california market are run quite differently. i almost feel like i stepped back ten years on the company's timeline. but that's another story for another day.
i survived my first black friday back in a store after seven years. i survived the retail holiday hours and last-minute rush of customers. and i made a best friend at work, two of them actually. (one of whom took me in for her family's thanksgiving and christmas celebrations, so i would not be alone... so sweet!)
so that's my 2010. i asked for an adventure. and i got one. if anyone had told me at the beginning of 2010 that i would be going back in to a store within six months, i would have laughed in their face. or if they had told me i would be leaving all of my friends and family behind to move to another state by the end of the year, i would have recommended they get their head checked. it's funny how life plays out when courage gets in the way.
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