Today was a very hard day for me. I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now that are playing tug-o-war with my heart. From feeling over-joyed to feeling like I was hit by a bus. Back and forth, back and forth.
This morning I forwarded the conversations with Jena to my Dad's work e-mail. I had to. He needed to know. It was time to put an end to my pain.
Hi, Dad! I wanted to forward this to you because, should Jena bring this up (if she hasn't already), I wanted you to know the whole story. Not just what she has to say about it. I'm sure this isn't going to please you, but I wanted you to know how it really went down and how I really feel about the situation. I am not asking you to get involved, I am simply informing you. Jena is almost an adult, I assume she makes her own decisions at this point. I do not want her to feel that a relationship with me is forced upon her, but I want her to come to me because she wants to. She just needs to understand that you simply cannot ignore your family and then out-of-the-blue hope they can help you with a discount. Life doesn't work that way.
I hope you are proud of me for handling this the way I did. I did my very best to handle this maturely and responsibly, but to also get my point across. If you want to talk to me about the situation, I'm welcome to it. But please don't call me if you are going to yell at me and criticize me. I ask you to please, like I did with Jena, think about what you want to say to me before you call (if you call).
Daddy, I love you very much. And I miss you more than you can even imagine. I hope some day things will be different between us. Better.
And the response I got, one hour and four minutes later:
Juli, I'm very saddened by all this,Dad
So now I deal with this. Whatever "this" is. I needed to do something that was going to calm me down. Make me feel (at least a little bit) better. So today on my lunchbreak I went to the cemetery. I drove 35 minutes there just to spend 10 minutes in peace. It was the best 10 minutes of my day. Then I turned my car around and drove 35 minutes back to work.
I need my Nanny. I always go to her when I have problems with my Dad. These days she's a pretty good listener. I know these situations make her so sad, but sometimes I feel like I can just spill to her and it's ok. I know she can hear me. I know that she is there. But I miss her so much. I realized today that it has been 12 years since she died. 12 years. And I still miss her as much as I did the first.
I left the cemetery feeling a little better than I did, but not near as well as I wanted to. I cried nearly all day. I really hope that I did the right thing. I feel like I did. But why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel like I brought on more pain?
I just wish my Nanny was here to tell me I did the right thing.
2 comments:
Maybe she will send you a sign. Ask her to give you a sign that you did the right thing, then keep your mind open to that possibility so you don't miss it. If she can, I know she will.
I'm so sad for you, honey.
You stood your ground with you sister, and that was the right thing to do. Letting her take advantage would have eated you up inside. We can never predict how people are going to take our boundaries. We can only have them and move on, even if it hurts like hell.
Bravo to you.
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